


The Truth Runs Wild

by Carmenlire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Character Study, Episode: s01e12 Malec, Introspection, M/M, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-24 22:45:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16184738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: Alec's gay. He knows what he likes and he’s not ashamed. It’s everyone else-- his demanding parents, the bigots in the Clave, his peers who are astoundingly, casually homophobic-- who makes it complicated.Everyone else demands a piece of Alec. They want his political prowess, his abilities as a soldier, a big brother hug, a shoulder to lean on. He stretches himself so thin that sometimes he thinks that he’s bound to break.Sometimes he wonders if he’s not already broken.





	The Truth Runs Wild

Alec’s gay.

He’s known that for as long as he’s known that his favorite color is blue and that he absolutely hates almonds. He’s known since he was a little boy and felt butterflies when his best friend gave him a hug goodbye. He’s known since he was a teenager and woke up every night for a week flushed, thinking about the boy in his class who’d pinned him to the floor in training.

As far as Alec’s concerned, it is what it is. _Que sera sera_.

He’s gay. He doesn’t understand how his classmates-- how _Jace_ \-- can ramble on for hours about a girl’s hair or her perfume. Things are simple, clear cut.

He knows what he likes and he’s unapologetic. He’s not ashamed. It’s everyone else-- his demanding parents, the bigots in the Clave, his peers who are astoundingly, casually homophobic-- who makes it complicated.

Everyone else demands a piece of Alec. They want his political prowess, his abilities as a soldier, a big brother hug, a shoulder to lean on. He stretches himself so thin that sometimes he thinks that he’s bound to break.

Sometimes he wonders if he’s not already broken.

He hides. It chokes him, the feeling that he’s not enough, that he’s lacking simply because of who he wants, what he doesn’t. He works twice as hard as any other shadowhunter, trying to outrun the inevitable.

Alec cares for his family. He’d do anything for them. He knows, though, that his house of cards will come crumbling down someday. 

He wants to fall in love. He’s a hopeless romantic-- no matter what anyone else thinks-- and his wishes are simple. To be happy more often than not and to find his soulmate, the one person on this earth meant for him.

It’s stupid, foolish and a childish ideal, but Alec’s never quite gotten over the old shadowhunter wive's tale-- there is one person destined for him and that’s it. When he falls, it will be once and forever.

The fact that his other half is most assuredly a man is a little worrying. Not because Alec’s ashamed but because everyone else would be if they knew.

He feels like his life is cast in shades of grey. He’s cast in shadows, always toeing the line between between truth and lie. He’s Alec, a boy who dreams of love and who resents every person that calls that love into question. He’s the Lightwood boy, destined to lead his people. He’s a shadowhunter, a soldier with the blood of Raziel running through his veins, demanding nothing but honorable perfection.

He is so much. He is so tired.

As he grows older, he buries the piece of him that still rails against his elders and a society that loves to crucify those who are different. He becomes the best goddamn shadowhunter in North America. He studies until he can’t see straight and practices until he bleeds.

He learns to like it. Or so he thinks.

He catches himself staring at the barista who gives him a free brownie with a wink. He catches the eye of a boy on the street and knows they both feel warmth cascading down their spines at the contact.

His life is not an easy one, no shadowhunter’s is, but he has his family and that fills the hole in his chest as he shuts part of himself away for self-preservation.

As he grows older, his bitterness and helpless rage threaten strangle him with alarming frequency. He fights through it, fights himself for giving in, for selling a piece of his soul to protect his family. He vehemently shuts down the part of his brain that worries his resentment is turning against those he believes he’s protecting.

He lives, day by day, knowing he’s different. He wonders if anyone else can tell. He wonders why they all care so much.

He wonders why he does.

 

He sees Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, that first time and everything else falls away. His duty, the weight that’s settled onto his shoulders like lead, the bitterness that wraps around his neck like the most steadfast noose.

Nothing else matters but the man who smiles at him with stars shining in his eyes. Alec smiles back, guileless, and lets himself breathe. He stutters. He’s flustered, lost in the moment-- in the fact that he’s allowing himself to get lost in those beautiful brown eyes-- and he feels like he’s taken his first breath since he was old enough to first shoulder those crushing responsibilities.

It feels like that very first inhale after almost drowning. Panic and futile despair disappearing under a welcoming wave of relief and renewal.

It doesn’t make sense but it feels like his soul reaches out to Magnus and is welcomed with open arms. He finds a piece of himself that he’d buried so long ago and it feels good.

It’s ruined, though, because Alec might feel weightless for the first time that he can remember but he’s ever the dutiful shadowhunter. They return to the mission and Alec tries his damnedest to build his walls back up.

He tries not to worry at how such a short time could have decimated them so completely.

After that, Magnus pops up with unerring frequency. He always seems to be _right there_ and Alec doesn’t know what to do. He knows what he wants, what he shouldn’t do, but it’s in direct contrast to what’s acceptable.

Alec’s lived his whole life toeing the line and he doesn’t know how to stop now that he finally has something within his grasp.

Magnus calls and invites him out and Alec barely has to think about it. _Yes_. Yes, he wants to get away from the prying eyes of the Institute and explore what could be. He’s on the same page as Magnus. They both know what’s lurking just under the surface, the current that flows between them sparking with desire and intrigue and a quiet sort of hope.

Things don’t work out as planned, though. Things go to shit and Alec’s left to pick up the pieces. He’s angry. It seems like he simmers in anger more and more frequently and he doesn’t know how to stop.

When he’s called to Magnus’s loft and sees the man drained and in desperate need of energy, Alec does what he always does. He rolls up his sleeves and gives. He gives another piece of himself, scarcely considering the cost.

He can’t help but think that it doesn’t seem like a sacrifice. He relinquishes his strength but with every ounce he loses, it feels like he gains something new. It’s an emergency and that allows Alec to give himself over to the feeling-- the weight of Magnus in his hold, the pull of his very essence into this almost stranger, the way his chest cracks open with every second that passes.

He stays and Magnus pours him a drink and it’s so fucking easy. There’s no one but the two of them and without meaning to, Alec had let all of his walls down. They talk until they’re both exhausted. They skirt around uncomfortable topics and talk about everything and nothing. Magnus makes him laugh and Alec’s gratified as he watches Magnus’s mouth tilt up, sees the way Magnus tries to take a hasty sip of his drink to mask his own snort of amusement.

Distantly, Alec thinks _there could be something here_. He takes in the way the firelight plays over Magnus’s face. He knows he’s not being subtle but, then, neither is Magnus.

There’s no need to be coy when it’s just the two of them. It’s a breath of fresh air to let Alec be who he is for the first time he can remember. Magnus doesn’t judge. He pokes and he prods, always with a playful grin, and Alec enjoys himself.

That changes the next morning, though. He wakes up to a chipper voice that belongs only to the quiet seclusion of the night and realizes that he’s compromised himself. In the stark light of day, he remembers who he is and what’s at stake. He is never simply Alec. There are always strings attached and a price to pay, no matter that Alec feels like he’s beggared himself ages ago.

He gets defensive and he snaps but then Magnus looks so beautiful in the morning light and he quietly confesses that Alec isn’t a passing diversion-- he could be so much more. It echoes the thoughts that have been rattling around Alec’s own head and without meaning to, he’s making a confession of his own.

 _I trust you. I don’t know why but I do_.

He leaves, wringing a vow of secrecy from Magnus. He returns to the Institute that turns his bones to ice and makes his soul bleed and he does his job.

It’s long days and weeks ahead. They hunt a villain but it’s Alec who feels hunted. The walls are closing in. He knows who he is and the glass wall is breaking. He can see the cracks as they form, every time Magnus talks to him, every time he looks around and wonders _is this all there is_.

He proposes to Lydia and tells himself it’s an honorable gesture befitting a shadowhunter of his caliber. It’s a solid partnership and will curtail any impulses he might have.

He shoves his desires deep down. He catches the stares thrown his way, hears the whispers that follow in his wake. His reputation is on the line. His family name is on the line and Alec will not be the brick that sends the whole house crashing down.

Like a fool, he goes to Magnus’s before his wedding and his heart aches as much as it reaches out. Magnus pushes. He pushes until Alec feels like screaming.

 _What do you want from me_ he wants to ask.

Their flirtation was fun, the thought of something more alluring. But at the end of the day, he is a shadowhunter first, last, _always_. He takes pride in it even if everything surrounding it fills him with cold despair.

He is not a man free to go after what he wants. He never will be and goddamn can’t Magnus understand.

_Even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you?_

Alec flings out the demand as his chest seizes with helpless bitterness. This is the life he’s chosen but Magnus just won’t stop pushing.

He leaves and tries to ignore how his heart now seems coated in ice. Maybe, he thinks distantly, it’s for the best.

 

He can’t breathe.

He stares at Magnus and sees his life, always so sharply delineated, mapped out. He can stay where he is, bitter and already so full of regret, and continue hiding who he is. It will bring him no joy but it will save his family the heartache and gleeful judgement he can already see on some of the wedding guest’s faces.

Or.

He can go to Magnus, the beacon of hope in his sea of resentment and raging despair. He can go to the man who makes him hope again.

He can choose truth or condemn himself to forever living a lie.

Something breaks in him but it’s joyful. In that moment he is simply _Alec_ , a man finally ridding himself of the shadows and deception, no matter how well-intentioned.

He moves into the light as he strides towards Magnus.

He kisses him, this man who pushes and prods and doesn’t take no for an answer. He surrenders and wishes he’d known how sweet it would taste so much earlier.

For those for few moments he feels at peace. His soul stills so it can wrap around Magnus’s and the world settles onto its axis.

It is over far too soon, chased away by biting reprimands by those who don’t understand and refuse to even try.

But Alec stands his ground.

 _I’m the same person I’ve always been. Now everything’s just out in the open_.

He is tall and he is strong and now he is finally proud. He is who he is and makes no apologies. He’s known his heart and the steady yet quiet way in which beats. He has chosen himself first for the first time in his life and refuses to regret.

He looks over at Magnus, at the potential he represents, and knows that he will always be proud to walk in the light as long as he has such a man standing next to him.

He is Alec but he is also Alexander. Magnus lets him breathe. Magnus gives him love and light and life in a way he had only ever dreamt about.

Things change but they mostly stay the same. The bigotry and dismissive contempt he’d witnessed when in the closet is more pointed. He meets condemning stares and incredulous expressions with a challenge in his eyes.

He knows who he is and refuses to back down.

He leads and he fights and his life follows the path that was set out for him. But, there’s a difference. This is what he wants now. He wants to lead his people to a better age. He fights to protect the peace he’s found.

Alec is gay and the world knows. It didn’t burn down in retaliation but seems to sigh in repose. He holds Magnus close and never lets go, all the while thanking every angel-- and some demons-- for the chance that he’s been given.

Now everything is out in the open. Now Alec can breathe and cast off the shadows that plagued him for oh so long.

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me on tumblr @carmenlire!


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